


Merlin musings

by Weis



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M, Magic Revealed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-11
Updated: 2013-12-16
Packaged: 2018-01-01 04:32:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1040373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weis/pseuds/Weis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Watching Merlin and reading fanfiction I often found myself wishing things happen a little bit differently, characters reacting in some other way, certain themes be more pronounced, or less. And these little snippets are how I cope with my inability to actually change things.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Guinevere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This part was something I thought about considering Gwen always being there, near Arthur, and using many opportunities she had. She is not evil, she is not cold-hearted. She is just human and not above ambition.

To make him to fall in love with her was almost too easy. Golden Prince of the Camelot – so chivalrous, so eager to help damsel in distress, so starved for affection, so desperate for reassurances. It was so easy to insert herself in each danger, into each situation – just to be noticed and remembered, to say right words to which Arthur had no defense because it was Merlin’ words, to touch him softly when he was weak and murmur reassurances, to lean into him occasionally – to imprint herself into his mind. To weave an image of her out of Arthur’s own goodness, out of his dreams and hopes. Let him see what he wanted to see. Use what already was there, just inserting herself where the face of the other should be. All it took – just some hovering nearby, platitudes and quick decisions. Smart girl moves. And Merlin – so pure of heart and adoring his prince, so trusting his friends that he didn’t see what was happening.  
And the reward was royal indeed.


	2. Uther

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just thought that in the world where magic is alive and someone is actively trying to destroy its vessels, where the balance of life and death is one of the principles of life said principle may be more active

No one knows why it happened – maybe one execution too many, while Arthur paced in his chambers unable to make Uther see reason, unable to do anything and trying to not look at white-lipped Merlin; or someone’s grief finally tipped the balance off far enough, but one day Uther fell during the feast only to stay abed the following day and every day after, comatose.  
Gaius said it was heart. Uther, trapped in the endless nightmare about fire and burning flesh and clawing need to breathe but cold and unmoving outside, knew better. He felt it in his heart, in his bones – the tipped scales of lives destroyed demanding retribution.  
He felt and heard vaguely how someone – Arthur? – talked to him, held his hand, chasing away the agony for a few precious moments but never far enough. He felt life leaving him bit by bit, and regrets accompanied by doubts and fear added to his agony.  
Those who knew or suspected the reason of his sudden illness never talked about it even among themselves, united by their grief. It was no one’s fault, but every loss was involved.


	3. CENRED

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It can begin like this.

After months of Morgause’s whispers sweetly coiling within his thoughts and dreams, nudging, teasing and warping, Cenred was immensely glad for some action. Taking Camelot when she is vulnerable, with ill king and uncertain prince seemed very good idea. Villages on border were almost not worth the attention with white pearl of the citadel and her treasures looming ahead.   
The Cup of Life that Morgause procured was fine addition to the war plans, but Cenred wasn’t too keen on trusting her – she was too fickle, too hell-bent on destroying Pendragons. Convincing the conniving witch that he can be useful bought him some time – right till they reached Camelot’s walls, and then there wasn’t time to think of anything but battle. The battle they almost won.   
But he wasn’t terribly surprised when one of her sorcerers suddenly turned on him. Cenred was almost sorry that the witch took the Cup with her, claiming that her ally in the castle can hide and protect it – at this moment he would spill the blood himself. Fortunately or not, that’s when Arthur decided to fight. Cenred didn’t know what Arthur did or how, but he was pleasured when the magic supporting life in immortal army suddenly ended – because with this magic ended life of the sorcerer that turned on him, as traitorous bastard fell under his blade.   
Of course, there also went his advantage. Hastily retreating he heard people whisper about some “warlock” and “dead witch”, and knew that Morgause won’t bother him again.


	4. THE TALK

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When we play with Merlin’s magic reveal scenario I don’t believe in “lies and betrayal” reaction because only very stupid, very selfish and very narrow-minded man would latch onto the lie by omission part, ignoring reasons, danger and sacrifices, ignoring his friend’s pain and losses, ignoring everything that was done for him and name that “betrayal”, inflicting even more pain and loss upon his friend. I believe that Arthur is better than this. There are no obligations in friendship. There is only willful trust and acceptance. There are offers but never demands. Otherwise it’s not friendship. And trust never can be blind or total, because life is too complicated.

With Morgause’s immortal army defeated, Cenred’s people – what left of them - hastily retreated back to Essetir. Arthur wanted to chase them right to the borders and take Merlin with him. After everything what happened that seemed the safest option. Arthur didn’t know who else saw Merlin and Morgause’s magical light show. He almost missed it himself, but when alarm bell didn’t rung Arthur run to the tower afraid of what he could find nearby – like the bodies of his manservant and Lancelot – and was stopped by what could only be magical duel between said manservant and the witch. Fireballs, invisible blows and incantations, Morgause’s enraged shriek… and fury in her eyes becoming cruel satisfaction when she saw Arthur. He didn’t have time to move when her eyes flashed gold and he suddenly collided with the wall, barely missing sharp tapestry hooks and desperately trying to breath. Merlin turned to him, gasped, and jerked his hands – with sickening crunch Morgause fell to the ground like a rag doll. Next moment golden thread surrounded Arthur, gently lowering him down. Falling, Morgause dislodged a cup right behind her on the floor. Something dark spilled out and suddenly immortal army was no more.  
Arthur almost didn’t register that. All he could see was Merlin, looking guilty and defiant, golden specks fading in his eyes.  
Omnipresent Leon appeared, took one look at them and made himself scarce, mentioning something about monitoring the cleanup. That’s how Arthur has found himself on the way to his chambers with Merlin in tow and trusting his knights to take care of everything at the castle. 

***

When they finally alone Arthur doesn’t know what to say. Anger, fear and uncertainty twist his insides and almost make him ill.  
Apparently, Merlin does.  
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” he sounds sincere and resigned. “I didn’t like to lie to you. Please, Arthur, I didn’t betray you!”  
“I know that, Merlin,” Arthur stops unnecessary apology, trying to reconcile image of his trusted manservant and strange magical creature he suddenly become. “I’m not an idiot. Let’s not sprout nonsense about lies and betrayals,” he’d known that even before he forbade himself to think about strange things happening when Merlin is around.  
“I’m sorry for misguiding you then,” Merlin miserably insists. “I didn’t want to hide from you; honestly, I just didn’t want you burdened with that. Though I am sorry for taking that choice from you,” and now stupid idiot looks guilty and lost.  
Arthur can’t argue, that hurts. And still, he can’t find right words.  
“Everyone has secrets; I don’t require absolute honesty from friends. I’m aware that you can be loyal to me without baring your soul.”  
He touches the sore spot where his head hit the wall and hisses in pain. Merlin hastens to offer him cold wet cloth, almost absentmindedly.  
“You are not angry?” asks Merlin hesitantly when Arthur is silent too long. He looks uncertain and Arthur really wants to reassure him somehow because he doesn’t like it when Merlin is miserable. Merlin is cheeky, defiant and sometimes disgruntled, miserable is wrong look for him. But the situation they are in is new and strange. Suddenly everything is uncertain.  
“I am,” Arthur can’t deny that. “But not because you didn’t tell me. All those times I asked you about magic, and you couldn’t tell the truth I needed to hear. I needed another opinion, needed to know that there is another option,” because I trusted you – he didn’t say, but Merlin hears it anyway. Suddenly it’s hard to talk. Something is choking him. Regrets, probably. The same regrets that bleed from Merlin’s eyes. “But I do understand why you couldn’t tell. I wouldn’t wish your life be a price for a principle of honesty. Some secrets are dangerous and I’m… grateful to you for keeping it.” For keeping himself safe.  
And he is, he truly is. Because Uther also doesn’t share his secrets, and Arthur shudders thinking that someday he may know them anyway. If anything, he absolutely believes in Merlin’s loyalty, friendship and goodness. He knows that Merlin trusts him with everything he can, sees and knows him as no one can.  
He would rather have secretive Merlin than none at all.  
“I am sorry.” Merlin sighs. His eyes are warm, soft and blue, like his neckcloth, that's still somewhere in Arthur's laundry basket. Arthur has no idea why he remembers that insignificant detail right now.  
“I know. Don’t fret.”  
“I’m not fretting!”  
“Yes you are, because you are _kind and sensitive_ , and also a giant girl.”  
“Prat.”  
“Idiot.”  
For a while they say nothing.  
“Arthur, I…”  
“Merlin… How many times you think it’s possible for me to miraculously eliminate magical threats while being unconscious, and afterwards listen to your inane explanations? I suppose, at some level I was aware that something is going on, but I’ve forbade myself to think about that.”  
Arthur tries to suppress uncomfortable feeling in his gut. What secrets Merlin can tell him now? What about all those beasts, threats, sorcerers – did he know anything? Of course, he knew. He probably did something too, selfless idiot.  
“I will tell you everything you want to know.” Merlin’s sudden insight shocks Arthur. “I am your friend, Arthur, I promise you that. I swear on my life.”  
And he probably will be there to help Arthur bear those secrets he keeps, and more.  
“I believe you.” Arthur tries to reassure Merlin still feeling unsettled. “But I can’t fathom what magically gifted person can do in Camelot, under king’s nose, of all places!” He honestly can’t. Only someone as impossible as Merlin could do something so insane and brave at the same time. Only there hardly is someone else like Merlin.  
“Would you believe that I stayed because an oversized lizard told me that you and I share a destiny?” offers Merlin trying to sound nonchalant.  
“We do? And what lizard? Is that your code-word for Gaius?”  
Merlin snorts.  
“Apparently, you are supposed to become a great king, bring back magic into the world and unite all Albion. And lizard is the Great Dragon from under the castle, though he and Gaius are definitely two of the kind – they can’t shut up about destiny, and drive me crazy with “you must do this, Merlin” one moment and “you mustn’t do that, Merlin” the next. Go to your destiny, Merlin, only don’t do this, and that, and that too. Old meddlers, both of them. They drone about destiny but don’t trust me to do what I think is right, like I’m a puppet on strings and they jerk me to and fro.”  
Obviously, that’s a sore subject, but Arthur can’t let it go seeing that it concerns them both.  
“Nice to hear that there is agenda for my life that I know nothing about. Though that speech about me being the great king sounds familiar,” he heard it first from Merlin and then from Gwen on several occasions.  
“Well, that’s because I agree with that scenario, but I believe in you, not in some destiny.” Merlin explains. “You are going to make it happen because of who you are, not the other way around. “Destiny” is just the way others describe it.”  
“I see you are contrary even before matters greater than you. Well then, tell me about that destiny thing.”  
Merlin grants him with very familiar shrewd look and makes a speach. “We live our lives how we see fit, make decisions we think right, and others people far in the past see the course of our lives as destiny. I believe that you are going to be a great king not because someone has prophesized it but because you being you will make decisions leading you to such point. I think you will unite Albion not by conquering it, but by what you already doing – by making sure that Mithian and Elena are your trusted allies, that Quinn Annis respects you and accepts as equal, by trying to let druids be; by helping Cenred’s people. You are already fulfilling it, by trying to do what is best for people. For someone far away in the past it seemed like a destiny. But for you, for us, it everyday choices we make.”  
Arthur is stunned by his vehemence.  
“And how you fit in this bright future?”  
“They say we are two sides of the same coin,” softly says Merlin, “That my magic is for you; that I am to protect and serve you. And I do,” here, the guilty defiance again.  
It should feel strange, the idea that you are bound to someone by... something, that there are things you are supposed to accomplish. But unexpectedly Arthur likes the sound of it – him and Merlin connected like this, inseparable, bound together by fates Merlin believes they can control. For a moment he feels… complete.  
“Yeah, like an annoying pest you are.” He jokes, wanting to lighten the mood, believing that they actually may have a chance at that destiny thing.  
Though it sounds a bit fairytale-ish Arthur knows that great deeds not always seem as such by those who accomplish them, and agree with Merlin’s general outlook. Who wouldn’t want united Albion, peace without endless war and conquests?  
“Though that sounds very flattering, right now I don’t feel overwhelming urge to unite Albion. And I don’t know a thing about magic beside what father told me, and now you, so how I supposed to do anything about that, I haven’t a clue,” he concludes and glances at Merlin.  
Unexpectedly solemn looking Merlin.  
“It’s already happening, Arthur. You don’t need to conquer to become The One and Future King, you can have allies – you already do. People of Camelot love you. And magic…” he turns to the window. “Since I came to Camelot there were sorceress and enchantments, love potions and magical beasts, ghosts, druids, dead knights, trolls, immortal army, Morgause…” they both instantly remember the most recent encounter. “There is so much magic around you, you are like a magnet for it,” both of them very carefully don’t mention the reason for such persistent magical attention upon Pendragons.  
“And there is always you,” finally Arthur understands, at least partially, what Merlin did for him, what he is still doing. What it means to have magic guarding you, serving you. What it means to have Merlin.  
“To save your royal arse is hard work, I’ll let you know!” Merlin tries to joke, but seeing Arthur’s troubled face becomes serious.  
“And I’m grateful, Merlin, truly. Though I still have to process everything properly.” He sighs. “I don’t know who’ve seen you doing magic today. Someone could, so it’s not safe for you here.”  
“I’m not leaving you,” stubbornly declares Merlin.  
“You do, until I’m sure it’s safe for you here. There is an old keep near the Essetir border. I’ll send sir Kay and his garrison to guard it. Druids frequent those places and it's two days to Ealdor by foot.”  
“You are banishing me, but providing me with company?” cries Merlin, incredulous.  
“I am asking you to, please, stay safe! Just until we know that there is no danger for you here!” Arthur would rather not let him out of his sight, not trusting Merlin with his own wellbeing, but with the possibility of Uther waking any moment it's too dangerous for him to stay.  
“I was fine even when there was danger to you, to me and to everybody else! I saved you countless times! I can’t believe that instead of being angry or mad you are sending me away, like I’m… I’m…” Merlin is so upset he lost words.  
“Like you are my friend, who has a very dangerous secret. And until I’m sure that it’s safe for you here, you are going,” decided Arthur. “I promise,” he adds seeing that Merlin is going to argue and guessing the reason, “to send after you the moment I can,” - he misses the fumbling idiot already. But even he can’t change the laws overnight. Not like this.  
“And when it’s going to be safe, Arthur?” sadly asks Merlin. They both know what could make it safe for a sorcerer to be in Camelot and what price it requires. So much for Merlin not wanting to burden Arthur with that choice.  
“At least until there are no rumors about magic and sorceress and you,” shrugged Arthur. “Until we know for sure that you weren’t seen.” Please, he pleads silently, let me protect you. Don’t make me lose you.  
“Are you really not mad at me because of my magic?” suddenly asks Merlin sounding lost.  
“I’m really not mad.” Not anymore, and also blindingly grateful to his sweet idiot, for everything. Though it’s a lot to think about. “Merlin? Are you crying?”  
“Are you trying to get rid of me?”  
“Don’t be an idiot, Merlin. There is no getting rid of you.”  
Now when he knows Arthur can’t stop worry. He almost glad that he didn’t know for sure earlier, because there is no saying what he would do knowing full well that Merlin did involve his stupid self in any of strange occurences that happened to them. In light of Merlin’s magic and seeing that he and Arthur are still alive and Camelot is still standing Arthur’s worry and attempts to hide Merlin from possible harm seem naive, but Arthur just can’t help it. He needs to do something.  
In the end they talk all night long. But even before Merlin tells him everything Arthur knows that he can’t lose this impossible, wonderful gift he is given. Whether or not they’ll unite all Albion, the magic is already here. People know and they will remember. Arthur doesn’t understand magic yet, he remembers Uther’s lessons about its dangerous, treachery nature, but he knows Merlin, believes in him, and that’s enough. He will keep him safe.


End file.
